


trauma

by ghostlunes



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-31
Updated: 2019-07-31
Packaged: 2020-07-27 18:04:28
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,595
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20050282
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ghostlunes/pseuds/ghostlunes
Summary: "When I wake up, my pillow's cold and damp with tears. But tears of what? I have no idea."





	trauma

**Author's Note:**

> I posted this on AFF under the name imprfction. So, yes.

Sehun jerks up from his lying position, feeling like his head might explode, also with a tinge of confusion. He is breathing heavily and darts his eyes to look around, only then realizing the tears that glide down his cheeks slowly.

He pats his slightly soaked pillow and heaves a soft sigh, feeling completely lost. He’s been crying in his sleep for a while now, approximately for a month, yet he still doesn’t know the cause of his weird behaviour.

Grabbing his phone on the bedside table and checking the time later, he scoots off his bed and stands up, doing his usual morning stretches before getting ready to open his flower shop. The shop is his mother’s, who stays back in their hometown to open a new shop there. As soon as his mother moved back to their original home, Sehun is left alone to manage the shop, with a help of a few part-timers.

Everyone loves their flowers. It's great business. People buy flowers for their loved ones to show their affection, and Sehun finds it beautiful.

He loves receiving the happy feedbacks from his customers. Knowing that his flowers have somehow made a person smile is enough to make his day as well. People say that he has always been so caring towards the floras and that couldn’t make him happier.

But lately, a few people have started asking the whereabouts of a certain man named Kim Jongin or his friendly nickname, Kai.

Sehun, of course, has never heard of the name before, let alone the face of this said man. He’d often just shrug it off and find a new topic to discuss about with his customers.

Although, that doesn’t mean his curiosity dies.

A great day, Sehun has just checked the last flower delivery a few moments before. It’s still early for anyone to come in with an order, so Sehun thought getting a coffee would be nice. “Chanyeol, can you please look after the shop when I’m gone for a moment. I want to get coffee.” He hollers, informing one of his permanent staffs about his plan.

A lanky boy peeks out from another room at the back and hollers a distant “Okay but get me an iced mocha!” back. Sehun rolls his eyes playfully and mutters a soft “Alright”. He’s seen Chanyeol as his friend for the longest of time, going to the same high school with the other makes it harder to treat him like just an employee.

The walk to the coffee shop is short, the cute and comfy looking building is situated just across the street and Sehun wonders why he rarely goes to the place. He used to love going there, for some reason, if he remembers correctly, it feels like a distant memory.

He shakes his head to stop the thought; it’s really starting to hurt his head. Pushing the door of the shop, the small bell rings, indicating a new customer walking in. “Hello! Welcome to Coffee Time, what can I get for- Sehun?” The barista’s eyes widen at the sight of him, making him more confused.

Sehun tilts his head a bit and scratches the back of his head. “Yes, but how do you know my name?” The barista gulps uneasily and clears his throat, shaking his head after. He’s acting like he’s just seen a ghost or something, that doesn’t bring a pleasant feeling.

Sehun takes a peek on his nametag. Do Kyungsoo. “Do you, perhaps, remember something?” The barista called Kyungsoo asks carefully. His eyebrows furrow in distress, why is everyone suddenly acting weird and asking him if he remembers something or someone named Kim Jongin.

“Is it about Kim Jongin?” Sehun breathes; Kyungsoo on the other hand is looking more shocked than he already is. But before he can ask more questions, Sehun cuts him off. “I don’t know him, I don’t know you. I just want to get coffee.” At this point he probably sounds a little annoyed because Kyungsoo turns all smiley again.

“I’m sorry, sir. What can I get for you?”

Sehun looks a little pleased after he is no longer bothered with unusual questions. “An iced mocha and iced Americano, please.”

Kyungsoo’s smile somehow turns bitter when he puts the order into the system, though Sehun doesn’t realize it.

What Sehun didn’t remember is, he used to hate coffee, a lot. He only comes for the chocolate shake this coffee shop makes. Iced Americano is Kim Jongin’s favourite drink.

Sehun pushes the door to his shop open, walking through it and places the cups on the counter. He calls out for Chanyeol and soon enough the tall boy comes running to the front while chanting coffee repeatedly. Sehun huffs and picks up his coffee, scanning around the shop and checks all the flowers in display. “Ah, so pretty.”

The arrangements of the flowers, the colours, the scent.

Sehun loves everything about it. He turns to Chanyeol who is on his phone, scrolling through his social medias, probably checking how many people like his previous instagram’s post.

“Hey, Chanyeol?” The other hums, not lifting his head a bit. “Your boss is talking to you.” Sehun says in a stern voice, earning a soft chuckle from the other. “Oh come on. Don’t use the boss card on me. We practically own this business together.”

Chanyeol pockets his phone and pays full attention to him this time. Sehun smiles gratefully and takes another sip of his coffee. “It’s my mom’s and she gives this shop to me to manage, so technically, we’re still her workers.” Chanyeol nods and shrugs, agreeing to that statement.

“Also, I need to ask you something.” Sehun confesses, Chanyeol immediately pays more attention to his so called boss.

“About what.” He replies, his tone a little wavered.

“About Kim Jongin.” Sehun can see how the other’s expression drop almost immediately, causing his stomach to churn uneasily.

“Do I, know him, perhaps?” Chanyeol sighs a little too suddenly. Why is he stuck in this situation? It’s been more than a month. Sehun should keep forgetting.

“I’m not sure if I’m the right person to tell you who he was.”

The conversation between the two is cut off when a customer walks into the shop. She’s a middle aged lady, not more than forty years old. The expression on her face displayed grim.

“I need the best bouquet of flowers for my husband’s funeral in a moment. I should’ve ordered earlier but I was too caught up with some- things.” She says, her eyes looking lost and hurt. “I’m sorry to hear that, madam.” Sehun heaves a soft sighs and gets to work.

His mother has taught him well about flower arrangements and he’s the person who does all the arrangements. Sometimes the other employees help but with his directions and guidelines. He grabs a few lilies, the white stargazer lilies. He remembers his mother explains to him that this particular flower represents sympathy.

Next, he takes a few white carnations on his left and starts arranging the flowers in a lovely bouquet. Those white carnations carry the meaning of innocence and pure love, and he thinks it’d be great for the arrangement.

He pays full attention to the bouquet in front of him, thinking of ways on how to perfect it. He hums and gets up when he thinks of an idea. Walking to the bed of roses, he picks up a few dark crimson roses carefully, not wanting to be pricked by the thorns.

He combines all the flowers in the bouquet and smiles proudly. Those dark roses represent grief and sorrow. They’re a perfect addition to the arrangement.

Sehun takes one red rose with care and brings the bouquet to the cashier, placing it down on the table carefully.

“I’m sorry it takes a long time, we usually take early orders for these occasions. But it’s alright; I’ll do my best for my customers. Pardon if the bouquet doesn’t meet your expectation, though.” He pushes in the digits to calculate the price of the flowers.

“Are you kidding me? This is absolutely beautiful, thank you so much.” She emits a soft smile, looking a little grateful but overall just very sad. She pays for the floras but before she can walk out, Sehun stops her.

“Take this red rose; it symbolizes true love and respect. I know you feel that way towards your late husband. It’s on me.” The woman bursts into tears suddenly, soft sobs shaking her frail body lightly. She reaches out and grabs the rose, thanking Sehun again and again.

She walks out through the door and Sehun can’t stop the small smile on his face. This feeling is nice, he thinks. Although suddenly, a memory flashes across his mind, so quick.

“Here’s a red rose! It carries the meaning of true love and respect. That’s what I feel about you!” The boy smiles brightly, holding a rose in his extended hand.

Sehun grimaces as he notices the small cuts on the other’s fingers. “Jongin, you need to be more careful when you pick a rose. It can cut you, like this.”

Sehun picks the rose from the other’s grasp slowly, putting the innocent flower on the bench outside the flower shop.

“You don’t have to hurt yourself just so you can impress me, Jongin.”

He examines the boy’s fingers one by one, taking out a tissue from his pocket and starts wiping the trails of blood on the tips of his fingers carefully.

The boy’s smile turns into a warm one, loving how Sehun is taking care of him.

“I want to marry you some day.” He blurts out his thought, earning a soft gasp from Sehun and a smack after. His small chuckle following.

“Stop it, Jongin! We’re still unstable and young. I want to make money first then think about my future. We have plenty of time. Unless you want to cheat on me, then I guess, I’ll just-“

Sehun’s sentence is stopped when the boy called Jongin tilts his head up to connect their lips briefly. The kiss is innocent and quick but it still manages to make Sehun’s heart beats so wildly.

“I will never do that.” Sehun gives him a small grin as if to say, “Okay, fine.”

The flashback comes so fast and suddenly Sehun finds himself gripping the table, the next thing he remembers is blackout and Chanyeol’s faint shout.

Sehun wakes up from a strange dream of him passing out in the middle of the shop. He sits up abruptly and realises he’s on his own bed, Chanyeol sitting next to him. That’s not the only thing he realises, though. A single tear rolls down his cheek, eliciting a soft gasp from him as he quickly wipes it with the back of his hand.

He pats the pillow and grits his teeth. Damp, again. He’d been crying again in his sleep. This weird habit starts a few days ago and he surely doesn’t know the cause of it. “Chanyeol, what happened?” Sehun crosses his legs on the mattress, facing the said boy who is currently sitting on a chair next to his bed.

Chanyeol sighs once and replies with “You passed out.” Sehun nods in acknowledgement. Well, that’s weird. He’s not the type to just faint at random times without a valid reason.

“But what really happened, I don’t know.” Chanyeol continues again, holding a glass of water and an ordinary looking pill towards Sehun who accepts them with a smile. “I don’t know too, I can’t remember.” Sehun chugs down the water and takes the pill, cringing at the bitter taste of it. He’s always despised medications.

“Maybe you can take a few days off. You’ve been working hard these days.” Chanyeol suggests but before Sehun can protest, he replies. “When we get orders for arrangements or complicated bouquets, I’ll give you a call. Sounds fair?” Sehun huffs, Chanyeol knows him too well.

So he has no other choice but to agree. “Yeah, maybe I need to take a few days off.” Sehun gets off his bed and smiles to the other boy in the room. “Thank you, Chanyeol.” The said boy just smiles before standing up and getting ready to leave the house.

“Maybe you can spend time at the coffee shop all day and figure out new arrangement techniques or something.” He suggests again before exiting through the door. Sehun nods, already forming plans in his head as he grabs the towel on his rack to get a refreshing shower.

Chanyeol takes another glance to the front door of Sehun’s apartment, releasing a loud sigh of frustration as he walks away. Sehun doesn’t remember how he was sobbing and trashing in his sleep, screaming “Kim Jongin” over and over again.

Sehun stirs his coffee with the table spoon provided by the café, mindlessly scrolling through his social media before unintentionally releasing a soft sigh. He can feel the barista’s eyes on him even though he isn’t facing the counter, and heck it’s not pleasant at all. He feels watched and uncomfortable.

Kyungsoo somehow realizes this and prepares a slice of cheesecake before bringing it to the customer he’s paid attention since he stepped inside the café. “Hey.” The barista begins when he reaches the table occupied by Sehun, the said boy turns to face him with a nonchalant expression.

Kyungsoo clears his throat and places the plate of cake in front of his customer, holding the round tray to his chest as he figures out how to start his questions. He has plenty. So, he starts with a casual one. “No work today?” Sehun’s eyebrows rose in confusion at the sight of the cheesecakes, he doesn’t order it earlier, did he?

His attention moved to the small male next to his table, his expression still dumbfounded from the confusion. He does the first thing that came to his mind though, that is to offer the barista a seat silently. Kyungsoo looks grateful as he takes the available seat in front of the florist, his eyes still fixed on him as he waits for an answer.

Sehun must’ve noticed this because he almost immediately shakes his head, indicating that he’s free from the flower shop for now. “I see.” Kyungsoo breathes out. “Don’t you remember me?” Kyungsoo begins again, wanting to keep giving questions just to satisfy is curiosity.

Sehun furrows his eyebrows, as if to recall a memory of the smaller guy sitting in front of him at the moment. “Were we friends before?” The question from Sehun deluminates the expression on Kyungsoo’s face, but being himself who is good with hiding his emotions, Kyungsoo is able to mask it within seconds.

“Yes, we were. We stopped talking because, you know.” Kyungsoo stops his words before he exposes anything major, he learns that trauma doesn’t sit well with its victims’ mental health.

“Because of what?” The tone of Sehun’s voice is laced with annoyance and curiosity, both feelings combined and making it harder for him to take the guy in front of him seriously now.

Kyungsoo can sense the tension in his voice, knowing full well that he is only edging him on. He heaves out a low sign, head hangs low as he shakes his head in a devastated manner. He is beyond disappointed at this point, but he knows well enough that he won’t let the memory of Jongin slip of Sehun’s mind just like that.

The smaller man reaches into the pocket of his work apron, pulling out a photograph of a very good looking guy, Kim Jongin, before sliding it over to Sehun on the table. “His name is-“

“Kim Jongin.” Sehun finishes, but before Kyungsoo jumps to the conclusion that Sehun has remembered about his childhood sweetheart, Sehun continues, “I hear his name a lot lately.”

Kyungsoo can’t hide the disappointed look on his face as he tugs the picture back into his apron pocket. “I guess, it doesn’t really matter now, hm?” He flashes a quick smile, gets up from the seat and bows quietly.

“Please enjoy your cake, Sehun.” With that, he exits the scene. Sehun feels lost once again, having seen the legitimate proof that the man who has been haunting his dreams, is actually real.

He reaches out for the free cake, cutting a small portion of it before taking a quick bite. Ah, the taste of cheesecake, he remembers how good the cheesecakes are in this café.

“It really is delicious, huh?” The familiar voice rings through his ears. Sehun is now seated in the same café, the same place and the same side of the store.

The man in front of him has the biggest smile on his face, the interior design of the café seems new, still the same, but new.

“Say ahhh.” The man begins again when he notices that Sehun has stopped responding to his questions, probably too stunned by the delightful taste of the cheesecake.

Sehun doesn’t say more and opens his mouth, only to be surprised with the man’s playful behaviour of swiping a bit of cream on the tip of his nose.

“Jongin!” Sehun hears himself whine at the man, erupting hearty chuckles from him and he swears they were so full of life.

Sehun zones back out of his little flashback, looking around for the man, Kim Jongin, like he has been there just seconds ago but of course, he finds no sign of him.

Kyungsoo, who has been watching the whole ordeal from the counter, heaves another sigh. Maybe it is his fault, for giving Sehun Jongin’s favourite cake. He is just desperate for the former to remember, but he still respects Sehun by not telling him straight on.

After all, it is a lot to take in.

It is indeed a lot to take in.

When Sehun walks back home from his short trip to the local café, he finds himself walking along an unfamiliar pathway. He knows this is that dangerous path people has been talking about.

All sorts of crime happened here, and a couple of weeks back, a murder was committed. Sehun is never really fond of those types of news, so he knows little to nothing about the case.

Strangely enough, a sense of familiarity hits him when he arrives at a certain junction, just 50 metres away from his house.

Something about the alleyway to his left gives off an ominous aura, but he can’t put a finger on it. He makes the mistake of looking at the path and that is when it happens.

Flashes of blood laced with screams; his own, a familiar voice and a ruthless war cry.

“Leave him alone!” Jongin lunges forward, throwing a fist straight into the guy’s face, he looks scary on his own but with that massive knife, he looks more dangerous.

Sehun can’t do anything, his feet glued to the ground as he just stares timidly from the side. It is his fault they got into this situation.

This is clearly the most dangerous part of the town, but of course he didn’t listen to Jongin’s warnings and pleads. He urges them to take this road.

He knows how knocked out the man is, he can tell by the reeking smell of alcohol coming from his mouth, he must’ve had 3 bottles at least.

Jongin tries his best to duck from the man’s advances, dodging the sharp metal every now and then but it is proven difficult as he is in fact weaker from his opponent.

Sehun finds the strength to grab his phone, speed dials the emergency number and stutters helplessly into the conversation.

A few information in and the man notices what he is doing, he doesn’t give Sehun the time to properly comprehend what is happening as he practically leaps himself towards Sehun.

Jongin who is free from the confinements of the man has to act fast, so he grabs the other’s foot and sends him tumbling to the ground, him following suit.

It happened so fast.

Flashes of blood laced with screams; his own, a familiar voice and a ruthless war cry.

And Sehun remembers.

Sehun remembers how his lover was stabbed multiple times, on multiple places.

He remembers the alarmed look on Jongin’s face when he tries to avoid the blows.

He remembers the merciless motions of the drunken man.

He remembers the sirens of approaching police cars and ambulances.

He remembers.

And he wishes he didn’t.

Now, woken up by the beeping of the monitor close to his hospital bed, Sehun lays silent. He notices everyone is there, his mother, Chanyeol and even Kyungsoo. He knows what happened and he knows why he is here.

“Kim Jongin, he was my lover?” He asks, his voice shakes as he tries to contain the pooling tears from running down his cheeks. Everyone nods, confirming his question.

“He dies because of me.” Sehun continues, this time, it isn’t a question, it's a statement. “He dies because of me…” His voice drags and slowly, a sob breaks through his fragile walls.

The people in the room knows best to not interfere because there is nothing else to do. They all leave one by one, leaving Sehun’s mother alone as she cries silently at the state of his own son. Sehun curls up into a foetal position, letting all his grief and sorrow out.

“I’m so sorry for forgetting you, Jongin. But maybe forgetting you is the best; it hurts so much.”


End file.
